January 16, 2018
As 2018 is just beginning, I know many of us are holding tight to our new years resolutions. Usually, those resolutions include more. Drinking more water, journaling more, exercising more, etc. Every year we strive to be more, but for me, this year I’m striving to be enough.
Now I know that sounds a little warped because, I am enough. We all are enough. I just want to get to know who I truly am better and to own it. I want to be enough in my own eyes.
I wouldn’t consider myself a liar, but I am a Chameleon. Like most everyone, I have gone through many different experiences and have a wide range of likes and dislikes; but mostly, I want to be accepted and liked. I’ve found that when I’m with different people, I am able to tap into the parts of myself I know they would like and accept; rather than being my authentic self. I am able to bite my tongue, so i don’t say anything against what they agree with. I am able to quiet a majority of who I am, and although I don’t see that as a lie, it is hiding the truth. It is hiding parts of who I am to satisfy those around me, which is NOT okay; and honestly, it is draining.
Growing up, I was my moms shadow. I followed her everywhere, agreed with everything she said, and yielding to her every command. It wasn’t until I was 14 that I contradicted her. I remember telling her “its okay. We can have different opinions. Just because you’re my mom doesn’t mean I always have to agree with you.” This conversation changed my world. I now knew that differences in opinions could cause chaos, and to keep waters calm, I could just agree.
This transferred into friendships. With one friend I would listen to pop punk and be my little scene kid self; while with another friend, I would be belting broadway musicals. Never letting either know about the other. The truth is, I have a passion for both, but I felt I could only put the parts of me out there that I knew would be accepted and embraced by who surrounded me.
Next came relationships. Every new relationship highlighted a new me. I think that can be normal, but I would become lost in the parts of me my current partner liked. All while neglecting other aspects of myself that I loved, simply because I did not see them as acceptable to my partner or their families. Sex was never about me. Depending who I was with, I could tap into the hot and heavy girl, or the submissive babe. I did not know my own body, but that wasn’t important. I just wanted to make them happy. and be liked. But oh, IT IS SO IMPORTANT.
Taking steps to do my Boudoir shoot challenged all I knew. I now had to defend my decision to those that disagreed. I had to open up about my thoughts on how Boudoir isn’t just to be provocative, but to accept yourself. Then, I had to learn who I was. Alyssa tells us that this experience is for us, and it is so true. For a month I bought lingerie trying to find what I liked and what I felt sexy in. Because I was determined to finally own myself.
After my shoot, I found it easy to own my body. I had seen myself in a new light and knew I was sexy. But my mind, that didn’t come as fast.
So going into 2018, I am reclaiming myself, again. I am owning ALL the parts of me. I truly hope you read this, and feel empowered to love yourself and own yourself in all aspects too.
Not everyone is going to love every aspect of you, but that’s what YOU can do. We need to start putting ourselves first and loving who we are; ALL of who we are. After all, we are with ourselves more than anyone else.
Do not quiet your soul simply because you do not believe it will be accepted. That fire was placed within you for a reason, and it is up to you to let it burn. Learn to be your authentic self and to love her, those meant for you will follow.
Written by Alicia Honeycutt