Women's intimate portraiture

I was a failing at my girlish duties to live up to the “perfect” body type and lifestyle | A personal story | Orange County Boudoir Photographer

July 12, 2017

I looked down at my belly and it hit me, I could no longer see my full feet, I now can only see the tip top of my cute little toes. I remember that day – I cried, a lot. I felt like I was a failure. I sat there and I thought…

How dare I sit here and promote body positivity, and self love when I am sitting here crying over not being able to see my feet anymore. How could I provide the BEST experience for my clients when I can’t practice self-love on myself.

I did a lot of digging into the cause of my sadness. I had fed into the media and society telling me that being chubby is unacceptable. I listened to the voices that promoted working out, drinking disgusting green kale shakes, and “beach body” ads until I finally buckled under the pressure.

I was a failing at my girlish duties to live up to the “perfect” body type and lifestyle.

Was I wrong for not wanting that lifestyle? I didn’t want my life to revolve around my next workout or knowing the exact ingredients of everything that I ate. I didn’t want my entire life to be calculated. It’s not wrong if that’s how you live your life, or how you want to live it. Because to me, there is no “wrong” way to live your own life. But I felt like every single woman in my life and around me was living this way. I felt lonely, and I felt that I was doing my girlhood a complete disservice by not giving into the health crazed lifestyle that is now popular. (Again, nothing against it)

Once I realized that if I didn’t want to live my life that way, then I sure as hell wasn’t going to let my negative thoughts take over. I wasn’t going to allow me to feel bad for myself. I already went through this phase in high school, I didn’t need it to pop back up especially when I’m happy with where I am in life.

I went back to my old routine that got me out of my mild body image depression in high school, and I turned to my old friend… Mr. Mirror.

Every morning I woke up, and my first task was to go to the mirror – this was before my shower, before deodorant went on, before make up (if I was feeling feisty that day) and I just stared. I, (out loud) told myself that I was gorgeous, worthy and beautiful. I would literally talk myself up, say everything I loved about myself physically and then went on to my mental state. I reminded myself of the things I’m capable of, and all of the things I have accomplished at such a young age. After a while, you start to really believe what you are preaching and the things you have to say to yourself.

Day 10 after seeing my toes and being in tears, I was back to my happy self, realizing that I don’t need approval from anyone or to lose weight in order to love myself. I am damn beautiful and for anyone who thinks otherwise, that’s completely fine, and there is the door.

Girls, you are all hot – you just need to see it for yourself. Whether that be with the help of someone else, or you pumping yourself up – you NEED to see your beauty. Otherwise you will constantly obsess over weight, make up, hiding who you are, etc. Hop on the love train with me, if you need help seeing your beauty, I am here to guide you through it, whether that be with my words, or with your own boudoir experience (which WILL change your life). I’m here for you, boo!

Share to:


  1. Lindsay

    July 12th, 2017 at 11:28 am

    This is so true. You can do all the diets and cleanses but if you don’t truly feel beautiful in your own skin, whats the point?! Obviously physical health is important but so is mental health.
    Often times people look for others approval on their looks and its hardest to find it for yourself. But this is a great reminder on steps to take to point out our own beauty daily.

  2. amichelle

    July 12th, 2017 at 11:36 am

    Lindsay, that is 100% right! Mental Health is so important, and it really comes down to learning to love yourself for how you are, because then you can love yourself at every stage in life. Struggle is a part of life, but to get out of the struggle and take steps towards bettering your outlook of yourself is beyond imperative. <3

  3. Krystle herzog

    July 12th, 2017 at 2:19 pm

    Alyssa this is spot on – your honestly you being real is a game changer – I am so hard on myself comparing myself to others – when I even disregard what others tell me and I take compliments and laugh at them – I need to accept them and embrace them – thank you for your commitment to support love and change the lives of every women and girl you meet – you have changed my life and my perspective and our bodies are a temple they come in all different shapes and sizes but they define us they give us character we all need to embrace what we have been given and love it – knowing how to love ourself is the best feeling it sounds selfish but the moment my confidence shines through I know the people around me are happier and I feel like a weight gets lifted off my shoulders – ladies in your group help lift my spirits daily and I’m so grateful for my experience with you and your team – you are creating a movement and it’s incredible ❤️

  4. Sarah

    July 16th, 2017 at 1:06 pm

    Goodness, I’m so grateful that I saw this. We have extremely similar bodies, and I’ve always been so down on me. I’ve always gone to crash dieting and extreme exercising to try to be the “perfect girl” with the “perfect body”. What even is that!? The day I chose to love myself, rolls and all, lol, was the happiest day of my life.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *