July 12, 2017
I looked down at my belly and it hit me, I could no longer see my full feet, I now can only see the tip top of my cute little toes. I remember that day – I cried, a lot. I felt like I was a failure. I sat there and I thought…
How dare I sit here and promote body positivity, and self love when I am sitting here crying over not being able to see my feet anymore. How could I provide the BEST experience for my clients when I can’t practice self-love on myself.
I did a lot of digging into the cause of my sadness. I had fed into the media and society telling me that being chubby is unacceptable. I listened to the voices that promoted working out, drinking disgusting green kale shakes, and “beach body” ads until I finally buckled under the pressure.
I was a failing at my girlish duties to live up to the “perfect” body type and lifestyle.
Was I wrong for not wanting that lifestyle? I didn’t want my life to revolve around my next workout or knowing the exact ingredients of everything that I ate. I didn’t want my entire life to be calculated. It’s not wrong if that’s how you live your life, or how you want to live it. Because to me, there is no “wrong” way to live your own life. But I felt like every single woman in my life and around me was living this way. I felt lonely, and I felt that I was doing my girlhood a complete disservice by not giving into the health crazed lifestyle that is now popular. (Again, nothing against it)
Once I realized that if I didn’t want to live my life that way, then I sure as hell wasn’t going to let my negative thoughts take over. I wasn’t going to allow me to feel bad for myself. I already went through this phase in high school, I didn’t need it to pop back up especially when I’m happy with where I am in life.
I went back to my old routine that got me out of my mild body image depression in high school, and I turned to my old friend… Mr. Mirror.
Every morning I woke up, and my first task was to go to the mirror – this was before my shower, before deodorant went on, before make up (if I was feeling feisty that day) and I just stared. I, (out loud) told myself that I was gorgeous, worthy and beautiful. I would literally talk myself up, say everything I loved about myself physically and then went on to my mental state. I reminded myself of the things I’m capable of, and all of the things I have accomplished at such a young age. After a while, you start to really believe what you are preaching and the things you have to say to yourself.
Day 10 after seeing my toes and being in tears, I was back to my happy self, realizing that I don’t need approval from anyone or to lose weight in order to love myself. I am damn beautiful and for anyone who thinks otherwise, that’s completely fine, and there is the door.
Girls, you are all hot – you just need to see it for yourself. Whether that be with the help of someone else, or you pumping yourself up – you NEED to see your beauty. Otherwise you will constantly obsess over weight, make up, hiding who you are, etc. Hop on the love train with me, if you need help seeing your beauty, I am here to guide you through it, whether that be with my words, or with your own boudoir experience (which WILL change your life). I’m here for you, boo!