Women's intimate portraiture

I don’t think I’m cut out for this anymore | Orange County Boudoir Photographer

January 3, 2020

My internal struggle with my business has been one of the toughest roads to drag my feet down for the past few months. 2020 is here, and all I could think about was, “Is 6pm an acceptable time for me to go to bed?”

I sat there, in bed at 6:45pm on December 27th, 2019 and thought, “I’m not cut out for this business anymore, I’m done.”

And as quickly as the passing thought strolled my my head, it was gone, and before I knew what was happening, my face was soaked with tears that I didn’t even know were falling.

How DARE I think about giving up the one thing that has given me purpose in my life?
How DARE I sit here feeling sorry for myself, my mama taught be to be stronger than that.
How DARE I let myself fall so far in a hole that seems impossible to climb out of?

I let my mental health crash and burn in 2019, all because I couldn’t keep up with the demands that comes with owning a small business. But in reality, it wasn’t that at all… the pressure of coming up with new content, new posts, new blogs, updating, keeping things interesting… it was EXHAUSTING.

It was EXHAUSTING.

Now, for a bit of backstory; I have never been one for New Years Resolutions. I always set the bar way too high for myself, and when I fail to achieve my goal, I am disappointed and in turn, I beat myself up for it.

So for years, I’ve said “Fuck Resolutions”. I’m going to make sure I’m living each day reaching my small goals and pushing myself towards greatness.

2019 brought me so many amazing accomplishments and triumphs, but also pain, disappointment and feeling unmotivated.

I’ve always struggled, even as a kid, with not pushing myself hard enough, or feeling like I haven’t done enough work for the day. Call it laziness, call it lack of motivation, call it whatever you want. All I can say is that it has eaten at me for years and years, and 2019 is when I crumbled, broke down, and questioned if I’m cut out for this.

“2019 is when I crumbled, broke down, and questioned if I’m cut out for this.”

So there I was, in tears, my eyes puffy, and completely unsure of what my next move would be. I was tired, worn out, and I won’t lie, I felt defeated.

“How can I show these babes how incredible they are, if I don’t feel it myself right now?” – The answer was simple, but I didn’t see it in front of me until the end of 2019.

I needed to make a shift. I let my social media presence take a hit as I didn’t post as much, and I really noticed the drop in engagement, especially in a world of insights and analytics that run my entire brain rampant.

I was so focused on the numbers, and why they were plummeting instead of shifting my mindset to what is truly important. YOU.

So as I was sitting on my couch, drinking my morning coffee a few days ago, I made a plan. A promise to myself, to my business, and to you babes, that my heart will forever be in the right place, and that’s where my brain needs to be too.

I wrote out an entire map of my 2020 year and my goals, where I want to be each quarter, and I’m working on how to make that happen.

This year, I will come back stronger, and with new ideas, and creativity.

This fire that has been lit up once again is burning brighter than it ever has, and I’m ready for whatever comes my way.

Leave a comment if you’ve ever felt burnout, disappointment, or if you’ve struggled with feeling like you aren’t doing enough. I’m here to encourage you and tell you that you are enough, you are amazing, and you are human. Shit happens, and then it’s time to pick yourself up off the ground and stand tall.

Share to:

Categories:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *