Women's intimate portraiture

Fight for Her | Orange County Boudoir Photographer

April 24, 2018

In my life I’ve gone through a lot of really hard times. I went through depression and had so many challenges that I overcame. And I overcame because I just decided to be happy. – Lilly Singh

The first time I felt an ounce of depression, I was 11 years old. I didn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t know how to explain the emotions that were festering inside me. The best way I could explain it was “empty”; like I was there in present time, but I was a ghost with no direction. I was surrounded by people, but felt alone. I was so young, yet I knew this was something that was unacceptable to speak about.

There were years I felt this way. It would come in waves. Weeks, even moths would go by and I would feel fine; happy and enthusiastic about life. Then, one day I would wake up and feel down. My mind would be filled with every wrong thing I ever did, I would think about how little I was in this big world, and I would begin to spiral downwards and be stuck in a slump.

One day I decided, I wanted to be in control. I made a promise to myself that I would always push. That I was as important to try for as all the people I loved and took care of. I decided to start taking the advice that I would have given those around me had they been feeling how I was.

When I would realize I had slipped back into these funks, I had to work to get out of it. I had to force myself to get out of bed and shower. Sometimes that would be all I could do; but I had to comfort myself in knowing I made a step. I tried. And trying is always worth so much more than we give it credit for.

Soon, I was able to feel myself dropping. I was able to catch myself before I was completely drowning. In those moments, I tried to do things that I knew made me happy. I would blast my favorite music and jump around singing terribly to my dogs. I would go for a long walk to go swing by the creek. I would take an adventure with a friend to take some photos at dusk. Anything to keep my mind in a happy place.

These steps have continued to help me in my depression, but it isn’t always a win.  The thing about depression is, it doesn’t just go away. There isn’t a sure cure for it. The important part is that you don’t stop pushing.

Deciding to take control and fight for yourself, is the biggest step. Once you decide that you are important, once you start doing things for yourself, the depression starts to lose.

The thing I had lost in my life was my worth, and I had to realize that no one was going to get that for me. That’s my battle. That’s something that only I am in control of.  And you know what, once I started fighting for my worth, my world changed. Once I stopped letting the fear of what other people thought run my life, I began to feel happier. Once I put myself first, said no to things I didn’t want and chose to do things I wanted, regardless of the opinions of others, I felt empowered.

Yes, there are still bad days. There are times where I get down on myself and stuck in the funk; but what keeps me going is knowing of the times I’ve won. Holding onto the strength I’ve gained by pushing myself for myself. Knowing that just because I’m having a bad day, doesn’t mean that I am a bad person. These are the little wins that are so important.

You only get one life, and you should feel like you lived it to the fullest that you choose. Hold onto the the things that make you smile, and fight for your happiness. For some of us, that doesn’t just come, it will be a forever battle. But in choosing to make yourself your number one, in choosing to fight for the girl you see ing the mirror, in choosing to empower and love yourself; you’re already winning.

There will always be bad days, but once you choose you, the world changes.

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