Women's intimate portraiture

I was broken ever since that moment, until the end | A personal story

July 5, 2017

When he finally admitted on the phone that he cheated on me, I was broken ever since that moment until the end. 

I receive countless emails with all different stories of women’s lives, the trauma, their pasts. Some of them are hard to read, because my heart breaks for them, and some of them are extremely empowering where I’m jumping up and down in my seat screaming “You go girl!”

What I have never really talked about is my last relationship that ended in shambles.

Let me first explain that I have never been happier as I am in this moment, and with the most perfect man by my side I am secure in my relationship with Killian and I love him so much.

But I do feel like it’s time I tell you my story of the one relationship that was extremely unhealthy in my life.

I was infatuated with him immediately. Our relationship started very quickly, and full forced. It was Halloween, we had both ended relationships a few days prior, and we were lonely. We never really talked much in school, although he was in a few of my classes.

I was always annoyed by him, but there was also something dangerous about him. You know the story, the boy in school that was off the beaten path, strange, unique.

Halloween night, I was out shopping for a costume (yes, the night of halloween) with my friend. My ex worked at Costume Castle and my friend and I ran into him while he was working. We ended up making plans to just hang out and go see a scary movie because my friend had plans with her boyfriend soon.

So my ex and I met up, and went to the movies. Keep in mind, this was the first time we had ever hung out outside of school, and we had both just a few days prior, gotten out of relationships. So the tension was definitely present.

We finish the movie and he asked if I wanted to come over to watch another scary movie at his house. I had no plans, and I was totally interested to see where it would go.

Long story short, things happened. The first night we ever hung out.

I’m not going to sugar coat it, sex was a major part of this relationship, which I feel was what led to our downfall.

It was the basis of our relationship, we weren’t friends before we started dating, our relationship moved very fast, and it was directly after we were just getting out of other relationships.

Although the relationship lasted for 6 years, we had a TON of problems.

CONSTANTLY fighting. We never agreed, he did things that I wish he didn’t, such as smoking cigarettes. I thought it was a disgusting habit, and he would lie to me saying he quit, but then of course I smelled it every single time I was with him. And he would always tell me that he was hanging out with someone who was smoking and that’s why he smelled of cigarettes. But I knew that was a lie when we kissed.

About one year into our relationship, I got a call one day from a good friend of mine while I was at another girlfriends house during Summer.

Friend on the phone: “Alyssa, I debated telling you this but I found something kind of messed up out today…”

Me: “What is it?!” (already suspecting what it was)

Friend on the phone: “XXX is cheating on you… I only know this because I’m friends with the girl he’s cheating on you with. She told me today that she’s dating a new guy, and I asked what his name was… I’m so sorry Alyssa…”

Me: “I love you friend, thank you so much for telling me, I’ll call you back”

I was CRUSHED. I felt like my heart was being gripped and squeezed so tight that it would explode at any moment.

I immediately called him and asked him if he’s been cheating. Of course at first he denied it and called me crazy.

I think I asked him about 5 or 6 times before I finally screamed into the phone saying: “You better tell me right fucking now what the hell is going on!”

Him: “Yes, I cheated, is that what you wanted to hear?!”

I just remember al lI said in that moment was “Yes xxx, I’m ecstatic.” 

Click. 

Well, you know the story, he came crawling back, apologized, etc, and I was stupid enough to take him back.

I would spend the next 5 years of my life in constant suspicion of where he was, what he was doing etc.

I hated who I became. In constant worry, always questioning what was going on. I felt needy. I hated it.

About two years later, he was logged onto his Facebook while I was over and he was showering. I saw there was a message from a girl to him, so I clicked it. They had plans to meet up…. in an hour from that moment!

I tried my best to keep it together, and not let him know that I knew anything. He’s very manipulative, and at that point, I believed that I was going crazy, and he always made me believe that I was wrong.

I texted my friend immediately and told her to pick me up at my house. My ex got out of the shower and told me some bullshit lie that we was going to go work for his uncle at the warehouse for a bit, and had to go.

Kissed him goodbye, and said I’ll see you later.

My friend picked me up and we waited in her car that he wouldn’t recognize outside of his house.

We saw him get in his car and start driving… the opposite way of his uncles warehouse.

We watched him pull into an outdoor food court, the one that I have lived next to for my entire life. Then, we saw him sit down next to a girl and give her a very intimate hug. She looked very young. I remember being in a fiery rage.

My friend was saying to me that I needed to confront his ass. I agreed.

I texted him and said “Hey! My friend and I are gonna grab ice cream! I miss you!”

No response.

My friend and I got out of the car, and started walking up to the ice cream shop they were sitting in front of, and he saw me, and tried to take his girl and get out of there before I “noticed” them. I ended up screaming his name as he walked away, and he had no choice but to face me.

That moment was a bit of a blur. I’ve never felt so betrayed, and angry.

Me: “That’s so weird, your uncle looks really different today!”

He was trying so hard to convince me that he was on his way there now and he just met up with his co-worker to say hi. I almost started to believe him, because all of the manipulation and lies he’s fed into me for years made me doubt myself.

My friend looked at me, I’ve never seen her so serious before and told me that he’s wrong, and that this situation was wrong.

I walked right up to him, and with some crazy powerful force, slapped him right in the face. 

I had never slapped someone in my life before. Honestly, it felt so amazing to finally take control and not be the victim in the relationship.

He left… WITH THAT GIRL. Yes, he had the audacity.

He called and texted called me crazy, etc.

Long story short… we got back together… again.

I finally had enough one day, it took a lot of strength, and emotional beat downs for me to finally realize, that this wasn’t healthy.

He wasn’t treating me how I should be treated. I didn’t leave earlier because I was 100% comfortable. We knew EVERYTHING about each other and I was scared to leave in fear that I would never find another partner again.

But that one day, it clicked, and I wanted to do it immediately before I had the opportunity to change my mind.

I called him and told him to meet me at the park by my house.

He sounded excited to see me (we hadn’t seen each other in weeks)

When he showed up, I was determined, and ready. I told myself to just say it before he had a chance to convince me otherwise.

Me: “We are breaking up” 

Keep in mind, he had broken up with me about 5 times, once a year, in our relationship. I had never broken up with him. Not once.

Him: “What? Are you serious?”

Me: “Yes. I will stay with you to answer any questions you have if you are confused, but just know that there is no convincing me otherwise.”

I ended up staying with him for about 30 minutes while he literally cried, begged and tried to touch and reach out to me. It was the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I know how that sounds. But all I saw when I looked at him was pathetic. I saw a boy who mentally and emotionally abused and manipulated me for 6 years.

That night, we put a ring in my parents mailbox and told me to look in it at 3 am.

I knew what it was, and looking at the ring, it actually confirmed my decision more so.

See we had talked about getting engaged for about a year prior to me breaking up with him. I told him the types of rings I liked, sent him pictures, etc.

When I looked at this ring, it was everything I didn’t like in a ring. That proved to me, once and for all, that he didn’t care, nor did he listen to me. This was just his last ditch effort to hang on to me.

I called him angry, told him to drive up to my house, because I knew he was down the street, and I handed him the ring back. I told him no.

I told the boy that I was so desperately infatuated with for 6 years, ‘no.’ 

He tried to contact me a few times the next three months, but not once did I pick up the phone.

I finally rid myself of the shame, guilt, and abuse that I was subjected to. A new Alyssa was born that day. A strong woman who would not take any shit from anyone.

Moral of the story is, I know your pain. For all the women that have been through a similar relationship, you deserve MORE, you deserve BETTER, and you deserve to BREAK FREE.

I am here for you. If you need someone who has been through something similar, if you need an ear, a push or a cheerleader. I’m your girl.

BE STRONG.

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  1. Abby Johnson

    July 5th, 2017 at 9:05 pm

    You are absolutely beautiful and such an inspiration. <3 You are definitely not alone I have been in an emotional and physically abusive relationship before. You gave me my confidence and life back last year when I did the shoot with you!

  2. Kayla

    July 5th, 2017 at 9:14 pm

    You are so amazingly strong for standing up for yourself. I left an 8 year mentally abusive relationship and when I did leave I ended up being physically abused but I am stronger because of it and I found a man who is amazing in every way possible after leaving. The weight that is lifted off of your shoulders when you leave feels so refreshing. Besides the birth of my children I can’t remember the last time I was this happy. 💗

  3. Alyssa McCollough

    July 5th, 2017 at 9:17 pm

    You will always be one of the strongest most amazing women I know ❤️❤️❤️

  4. Toni

    July 5th, 2017 at 9:32 pm

    You are brave and wonderful and beautiful and you deserved so much more. 6 years wasted, but they made you who you are today.

  5. Nicole Widener

    July 5th, 2017 at 9:34 pm

    All this quote is awesome

    What doesn’t kills you make you STRONGER!!!!! 100%

    Thanks for sharing your story. 😘

  6. Kimmy

    July 6th, 2017 at 1:40 am

    This story was my life. I felt like she was writing mt story. The amazing thing is, I found the man of my dreams a few years after my horrible ex. I am able to apprecaite him and my faith in men has been restored.

  7. Tori

    July 6th, 2017 at 11:31 am

    You deserve to be loved and valued and I’m so happy that Kill does that for you now. Continue to find your worth and helping other women find theirs too. You’re doing amazing things and showing others they can too.

  8. Brianna

    July 6th, 2017 at 3:40 pm

    I have just got out of something like this and lasted only 5 months but I feel broken and ripped to pieces. He is a narcissist sociopath manipulator but I still think of him. I let things eat at me. It has only been 4 weeks and having to go to counseling but my friends don’t get it. Unless you go through it you just don’t know what hold they have on you.

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